


Someone To Hold

by sometimesque



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Loneliness, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Soft Ben Solo, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:03:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sometimesque/pseuds/sometimesque
Summary: Kylo has a bad night. His thoughts won't stop racing, and the only person he wants to talk to has shut the door in his face.





	Someone To Hold

He has a dream that night. He is chasing her. She is smiling. He can’t catch up. Everything is in slow motion. As she runs her arm bindings come undone. The cloth caresses his naked body as it gently glides past him. She looks over he shoulder, laughing and giggling. Her face is alight. He is blissful. He wants to catch her. Soon she takes offer her vest and is left only in her undershirt. She is hypnotizing him. He doesn’t want her to get away. She is topless, then naked. She is blushing, her entire body blushing, orgasming, releasing. Everything he ever wanted. He is embracing her. She is warm and solid in his arms. His mouth is so close to her neck. He can smell her. He wants to taste her. “Ben...” she coo’s his ear.

He wakes up sweaty and hard. Soaked through the sheets. _Fuck,_ he thinks. The idea of her is toying with his mind. Distracting him. He hasn’t seen her in 5 sleeps, since she closed the Falcon door on him. She is a traitor. Not willing to join him even after he made the greatest sacrifice for her, and now, she is distracting him even further. Ruining his life. Not joining him and even worse, leaving him completely alone. The force hasn’t connected them in 5 whole sleeps. He is thankful for it, but also miserable being left to his own thoughts. He is decaying. He is falling apart and yet getting stronger. Using his anger and disappointment to fuel his strength with the force. It has been working. Now, without Snoke, he is free to do as he pleases _(what exactly does he want?)_ Since that cursed day, he made orders and tried to keep a calm face. Constantly making sure he was showing himself in complete control. No one can know. No one can know what he is really thinking. _Rey_ he thinks. He pines. He pleads _Rey!_ It is all he can think about. It is maddening. It makes him angry, so so angry. He takes that anger out in his training room. Distracting himself through physical exertion with the hopes of sleeping peacefully at night. That sleep also means being clear headed and alert during the waking hours. He has been answering so many questions, so much problem solving. No one can think for themselves. He can feel the weak ones all around him. Hux especially. So afraid. He can taste their fear. It disgusts him. Who are these weaklings? How dare they poison the galaxy with their insufficiencies. He never wants to be weak. But…she distracts him. He is angry at himself. He reflects on the last couple days late at night in his quarters. He is disgusted with himself for being so weak. For allowing that small jedi creature to distract him. For feeling too many things including this lust for her. Lust for her to join him. To be by his side. To rule with him. He thought he was above these banal needs. He had done everything in his power to get rid of them. He let Ben Solo die a long time ago. But, she is breaking him. He is not a man. He is not strong enough for this. He has never been strong enough. All of Snokes insults whisper in his mind. _You are not enough._

He gets out of his bed. They landed on their base approximately two sleeps ago. The planet they are on is peaceful. The base brand new and shining. They landed here on his orders. He needed a break but he masked it as he needed the time to think and reorganize the First Order. To be left alone so he could concentrate. He looks up at the double moons. He prays for her before he can stop himself. He lets his mind run free. He is too tired to fight it. He remembers her rejection in the throne room. It makes him want to cry. She rejected him. That jedi witch! How dare she! She is so powerful with the force, doesn't she see that? Doesn't she know! Doesn't she realize how powerful they could be together? He punches the glass window before he can stop himself and kneels over from the pain. It feels so good. It feels good to feel something else. To feel something other than rejection and loneliness. The loneliness he has felt for over a decade. Snoke, disguised as a master, just using him. “Fuck you.” he whispers under his breath, half to Snoke and half to himself, still bent over with pain, clutching his hand. He thinks it might be broken. He hates himself. He is in so deep. He is not a man, and yet, he knows he is so powerful in the force. He could kill anyone he chooses with a twist of his mind. That counts for something, right? He is so sad. He is not a man. What man feels like this? He is weak. _Weak_. Everything that Snoke ever said to him whispering, echoing in his mind. Weak. He punches his chest. He is shaking with rage and emotion. “YOU ARE NOT A MAN!” he yells at his distorted reflection in the window. He feels the tears. They sting. He wants to feel raw. He wants to yell and punch until he collapses. He wishes she were here. To tell him again he is not alone. How dare she deny him! That scavenger! She is so young! She has so much to learn! He could teach her everything. How dare she deny his power!

He sits back on the bed clutching his hand. Where the fuck is she? Why isn’t she here with him? What has he done to deserve this? He starts to break down. He feels the rage shake him. The sadness is deep in his chest. He won’t let it out. He can’t let it out. She doesn't deserve her power. How dare she! He is so alone. _(Rey, where are you?)_ He pleads. He is so alone. He is trapped. He gets up and does push ups. He loses count. He feels better. He is so scared. His heart is racing. He can't stop his thoughts. _Rey, where are you?_ Why can’t he sleep? He is so desperate. Suddenly -- the air changes, and he knows. He knows he is about to see her. She is there. She is standing, her back to him. She is in new clothes, sleep clothes. Clean clothes, pure and simple, just like her. He can’t see her face (Please) but he can feel her sadness. She has been crying.

“Rey.” he whispers. She turns around and looks at him, shocked, and immediately puts a finger to her mouth to shush him. He wants to cry. He wants to shout hallelujah. She is here. She is a goddess.  
“Ben!” she gasps. Blessed be the gods. “Be quiet, I am sharing my sleeping quarters.”  
“Rey, the force is willing us together. Have you thought more about my offer? Will you join me?”  
“How dare you ask me that.” she whispers violently. “After what happened on Crait. You’re a traitor.”  
She walks closer towards him. He is a planet and she is an asteroid coming to destroy him.  
“I only did what I had to do--”  
“You are murdourse snake!”  
“But Snoke-”  
“You did that for your own good!” She cuts him off, staring into his eyes intensely, searching his face. “You were thinking of no one but yourself.”  
“I did it for you. It was all for you.”  
She goes quiet. Her face is serious, staring at him. He steps towards her. She is not afraid and holds her ground. He wants to embrace her, like he did in his dream. She is so small. She is so beautiful. Fuck. Ever since he first saw her on Takodana he thought she was beautiful. She broke through all his thoughts. Every thought he has ever had has just been a distraction from thinking about her.  
“Where are you?” he demands.  
“You think I’m stupid enough to tell you that, Supreme Leader?” she hisses that last part. “Yes, I know what they call you now. You killed Snoke so you could have all the power. You disgust me.” she eyes him up and down.  
“Rey, do you really thinks that's why I did it? I offered to rule the galaxy with you!”  
“I KNOW that’s why you did it!” she speaks this part louder but quickly whips her head around to look at her surroundings. “I have to go, I’m done speaking with you.”  
He feels stung. How many times will she hurt him? He doesn't even care.  
“You’ve been crying.” he says.  
She stares in his eyes questioning, mouth slightly agape, stopped in her tracks but then her face changes. It softens.  
“So have you.” now he takes a step back. She knows him. He could stare into her eyes forever. He wants to live there. There a promise of peace there. Or home.  
“Don’t go.” he pleads. “Where are you? Answer me, Rey.” Her eyes dart back, searching him.  
“You know I can’t do that.” her voice trembles.  
He feels it again. He wants to cry. She is rejecting him--again. She is crying now.  
“Ben,” she inhales, tears streaming down her face. “I feel our sadness and dilemma. I’m so confused.” she puts her face in her hands. She is opening. “Why did you do that?” she sobs. “I can't stop thinking about it. Why didn't you come back with me? We are terrified. This war could all be over if you just… You know that things could be good, if you just….” she sobs.  
“Because I had no know other choice!”  
“That's not true!” she screams keeping her voice low. “I feel so much light in you. Please. Things could be so different. So good.” she is crying. He hates it.  
She gasps and turns around again.  
“Who’s there?” he asks.  
“Someone is waking up. I need to go-”  
He grabs her upper arm. He doesn't stop himself.  
“Don’t-” he pauses to catch his breath and swallow. She is shocked by his physical touch. She leans away from him, a practiced muscle memory.  
“Please don’t go.” he begs. _I am afraid._  
“Let GO of me Ben!”  
He hears someone call her name in the distance. Rey jerks out of his grip. He blinks away shock and shame. He deserved that. He has no right to touch her like that. “If you can be alone is six hours, let's talk then, Supreme Leader.” she hisses. He wants to cry with happiness. To jump on the rooftop. He will do anything for her. Anything. He will kill for her.  
“Ok.” he says. Fuck, he is so stupid. He has no other words.  
“I’ll make sure I’m alone.”

She is gone

He falls asleep.


End file.
